To My Second Child

You came as a surprise, but then again so did your brother.
It was a bit of a turbulent time in our lives as I was working on overcoming
many new challenges in my life.
When I found out that we were expecting you, I became a nervous wreck.
I couldn’t imagine being able to love you the way that I love your brother.
It was an impossible thought.
This is when the guilt began.
The guilt of not being able to love you enough.
The guilt for potentially loving you more.
The guilt for taking attention away from the person who has been the center of my universe, your big brother.
My pregnancy with you was very similar to the first yet so different.
It’s as though you were preparing me to start understanding your differences right in utero.
As you were safe and warm inside the womb we had a lot of changes on the outside.
We moved into the home where your nursery is.
We had experienced your brothers first big cold, turned pneumonia, turned penicillin allergy.
It was very stressful.
This was when I began to understand what it means to worry about two kids rather than just one.
“This too shall pass” has become my motto after these events.
We had overcome all of these bumps in the road and were now waiting patiently for your arrival;
All the while smothering your big brother with as much love and attention as possible.
Back to the guilt.
Four days after your due date you gave me a lite notice of your arrival.
So lite in fact, that we almost didn’t bother going to the hospital.
We got to the hospital and were told that it would be a little while, so I had to do the famous delivery walk.
I walked for over an hour and had grown extremely impatient as I was so excited to finally meet the little man that had caused me to chew through the worlds supply of ice chips.
So I got the epidural (sorry to all of the natural style mamas, I don’t have it in me) and took a little nap.
After a five hour nap you were ready to go.
At 6:29 am I started pushing and by 6:30 am your whole 8lb 12oz little body had shot right out like a cannon ball!
As soon as I saw you I realized that you Sir are so different from your brother.
I held you and felt my heart grow to double the size.
You were so little and vulnerable.
My protective instinct had multiplied just as the size of my heart did.
You are so very loved.
Unlike your brother, you get a third person to adore you daily, Nate.
When he saw you at the hospital he couldn’t understand why I was holding another baby.
You could see the hurt in his eyes.
GUILT!
To our relief when we came home with you all Nate wanted to do was hold you and kiss you.
RELIEF!
For the first two weeks I would put you to bed and run to your brother.
Even in my exhausted state I insisted on being a part of his bedtime routine because I wanted him to know how loved he is.
I didn’t want him to think that I love him less.
EXTREME EXHAUSTION ALERT!
The adjustment period was very short lived and today, I relish in our moments together.
I try and mentally photograph your baby giggles and strong baby man yells.
You are my baby and I am obsessed with you.
Thank you for teaching me that the heart is capable of multiplying in size within seconds.
Thank you for teaching me more patience than I had the first time.
Thank you for teaching me to except that my babies will be different in nature but equally loved.
Thank you for being sweet, calm and edgy all at once.
Thank you for just being here and being YOU!
Love Ima (other word for mom)

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2 thoughts on “To My Second Child

  1. I remember when I was pregnant with my second child in 1990, I had the very same feelings “how are we going to be able to love this child as much” We were so connected and invested and our hearts were so filled with our first child, and then he came into the world and voila so did the love and the space in our hearts and it is crazy to think that we were ever worried…and now they are 24 and 27 and we love them equally and they love each other…funny how love is!!

    Liked by 1 person

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