The Thing’s Nobody Ever Tells You About Having A Baby

I was recently chatting with two of my girlfriends about motherhood.
We had an in depth conversation about everything.
Two of us have kids and have experienced the nitty gritty of it all.
So we decided to share our experiences with my girlfriend that has yet to face any of these “fun” experiences.
That is when it became clear to me that there is a lot that is left unsaid about the delivery process, the after effects and the other side of motherhood.
Due to that I have decided to put together a list of things that all women should know about the delivery and postpartum of motherhood.

1. Contractions in the movies are one minute long and five minutes apart.
They come directly after your water breaks and the delivery process is as fluid as the water that just burst out of the woman.
BULLSHIT!
My contractions were three minutes long and three minutes apart with Nate.
My water did NOT break but was BROKEN by the nurse once I was already eight centimeters dilated and in labour for eight hours.

2. The epidural isn’t scary at all as you are in so much pain from labor that you can’t even feel a fucking thing outside of the stabbing pressure pains in your uterus and vagina.

3. There is a huge possibility that you will be pushing out some poop with your baby.
It’s gross but it’s true.

4. Seeing your baby for the first time, outside of your body, is like an outer body experience.
All you hear is white noise and you feel like you just got stung with a stun gun.
It’s euphorically strange and not an experience the can be labelled as simplistically as “falling in love at first site”.

5. You get twenty-four hours at the hospital pending everything has gone well, the baby is healthy and you didn’t have a c-section.
You then walk out of the hospital, unless for some critical reason you are unable to walk.
None of this “getting rolled out with a bundle of balloons” business.

6. After a vaginal birth it hurts like HELL to pee.
I use the word hell as it burns in hell and that is precisely what it feels like to urinate.

7. Going number two is a nightmare.
Since you have recently pushed a watermelon out of your vagina, you become a bit anxious about pushing anything else out.
Not to mention that that particular area is so sore that it hurts A LOT to poo.
To add insult to injury you are extremely constipated which forces you to push when you are psychologically tormented about pushing.
This applies to the women that have had a c-section as well.

8. Remember watching all of those Preparation H commercials and thinking “that’ll NEVER be ME“.
Well you were WRONG!
Hemorrhoids are very common in pregnant women.
Some of us avoid them during pregnancy and they develop after labor.
They are embarrassing but worst of all they are so irritating.
For most women they go away, for some they are a constant reminder of that sweet bundle of joy that you carried for nine months.

9. Sneezing causes you to tinkle from time to time.
Buy a ton of panty liners and do your kegels!

10. Having sex for the first time after giving birth is one of the most terrifying things!
All you can think about is the labor, delivery, sore vagina, sore bum, sore breasts and that just turns you right off!
Don’t feel bad about it.
Have a super sized glass of wine and let your inhibitions go.
It can be very uncomfortable at first both mentally and physically.
Hey, losing your virginity wasn’t fun either but you obviously got over it, your baby is a living and breathing reminder of that fact.

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2 thoughts on “The Thing’s Nobody Ever Tells You About Having A Baby

  1. Raw and honest and fabulous… Also not to scare anyone away from pregnancy πŸ™‚ a vaginal delivery can be described as trying to pull your lower lip over your head! πŸ™‚ Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

    Liked by 1 person

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