The Worst Kind of Pain

I’ve dislocated my knee, given  birth twice and have gone through a couple of pretty intense car accidents.

Everything has been really hard on me but today things got even worse.

Today Nate went in for surgery. Nothing serious, just a tonsil and adenoid removal. This is such a regular procedure and only takes 20-30 minutes to do.

Or so I told myself.

I came into the hospital with my overly emotional mom in tow. Nate didn’t complain of hunger or thirst as we managed to keep him busy with a variety of activities. My mom, on the other hand, sobbed like a baby.

I didn’t react and went on with my positive thoughts.

“He’ll be just fine!”

“They do this all of the time!”

As we finally got called into the area where we met the anesthesiologist and they walked him into surgery, away from me, my thoughts took a turn for the worst.

“What if he’s allergic to the anesthetic and dies on the table?!?”

“What if he bleeds out and there is NOTHING they can do?!?”

I left the waiting area to get a coffee and ease my mind. My mom sobbing uncontrollably did NOT help but I rolled with it.

After the longest forty minutes of my life, I got called into the post-op room. I walked into the room and all I could hear were his heavy sobs as the nurse was rocking him gently. He was bleeding out of his mouth and nose. I became overcome with anxiety but buckled down and kept my shit together cause there was no other choice.

As I tended to him I realized that he was inconsolable and my heart instantly shattered into ten thousand pieces. His pain is far more painful to me than any pain that I have ever experienced myself.

I wish I could take his pain and put it on myself but I can’t. The only thing I can do is hold him, kiss him, console him and be there for him. 

These moments make my heart bleed for the parents out there that are in and out of hospitals with their littles. There is nothing settling about these visits as you truly don’t know the outcome. It is as though you have been skinned and are walking into walls. It is agonizingly painful. 

I hope that this is the worst that it ever gets but if today’s events have taught me anything, I will stay strong for him no matter how weakened I am inside.

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