The Worst Kind of Pain

I’ve dislocated my knee, given  birth twice and have gone through a couple of pretty intense car accidents.

Everything has been really hard on me but today things got even worse.

Today Nate went in for surgery. Nothing serious, just a tonsil and adenoid removal. This is such a regular procedure and only takes 20-30 minutes to do.

Or so I told myself.

I came into the hospital with my overly emotional mom in tow. Nate didn’t complain of hunger or thirst as we managed to keep him busy with a variety of activities. My mom, on the other hand, sobbed like a baby.

I didn’t react and went on with my positive thoughts.

“He’ll be just fine!”

“They do this all of the time!”

As we finally got called into the area where we met the anesthesiologist and they walked him into surgery, away from me, my thoughts took a turn for the worst.

“What if he’s allergic to the anesthetic and dies on the table?!?”

“What if he bleeds out and there is NOTHING they can do?!?”

I left the waiting area to get a coffee and ease my mind. My mom sobbing uncontrollably did NOT help but I rolled with it.

After the longest forty minutes of my life, I got called into the post-op room. I walked into the room and all I could hear were his heavy sobs as the nurse was rocking him gently. He was bleeding out of his mouth and nose. I became overcome with anxiety but buckled down and kept my shit together cause there was no other choice.

As I tended to him I realized that he was inconsolable and my heart instantly shattered into ten thousand pieces. His pain is far more painful to me than any pain that I have ever experienced myself.

I wish I could take his pain and put it on myself but I can’t. The only thing I can do is hold him, kiss him, console him and be there for him. 

These moments make my heart bleed for the parents out there that are in and out of hospitals with their littles. There is nothing settling about these visits as you truly don’t know the outcome. It is as though you have been skinned and are walking into walls. It is agonizingly painful. 

I hope that this is the worst that it ever gets but if today’s events have taught me anything, I will stay strong for him no matter how weakened I am inside.

Four Leaf Clover

Eight months ago I was scrolling through the “Discover People” feed when I came across a picture of a little baby in green headphones. I thought that it was just the sweetest thing I had seen in awhile.Flash forward about a month and that same little baby came up in that feed, weird.

My instinctual curiosity had me clicking on the photo and I read the caption.

I was devastated to see that this three month old baby had just been diagnosed with liver cancer.

Immediately afterwards I began to follow @keeley_ruth through her journey into a very hard and dark place that I could never imagine going to myself.

There were times that I sobbed for Clover, this courageous baby girl.

I would pray for her, I told people her story and I kept posting heart felt comments for her family to see in hopes that it would somehow help.

There must be a thousand degrees of separation between us but I felt as though I knew Clover and her family personally.

After a very difficult time, serious treatment and surgery Clover is now in remission.

This past Friday I received this letter and photo in the mail.

There are no words to express my gratitude for this gesture.

It truly makes me appreciate this bond and sense of community amongst mothers everywhere.

It is nice to know that there are still good people out there and it proves that it truly takes a village to raise a child.

Amen to this beautiful village that we are so lucky to be a part of.

Cheers to you @keeley_ruth for your strength, honesty and kindness it’s truly a beautiful thing. 

Mommy Brain

Once upon a time I used to remember things.

Little things, like where I leave my keys, what I ate for breakfast and how to match my shoes to my shirt.

These days I am lucky to be dressed, at all!

There is nothing that can prepare you for this severe memory lapse, not even the world’s best organizer.

It’s no joke people. It’s the truth!

When your friend that has kids doesn’t call you back, it’s probably because she forgot due to one of the million things that are going on in her mind, so try and give her some slack.

In fact, I just started writing this article and have almost forgotten what it’s about!

Mommy brain is a condition that develops in the first few months of pregnancy and continues throughout the rest of your life.

The sheer idea of carrying a child in ones body can be quite overwhelming and thought consuming.

Here is a list of things that you have to think about when pregnant and when raising children:

  • what you can and cannot eat
  • what you can and cannot do
  • the products you need to avoid
  • the activities you need to temper
  • all of the new things you need to purchase
  • learning how to take care of a child!!!
  • how to raise a normal human being
  • what is safe to feed my kids
  • what are the most stimulating activities out there
  • when is that dentist appointment
  • how do I get this one to dance and that one to soccer practice at the same time when they are 10 miles away from each other
  • what’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner
  • is this poisonous
  • is this organic, locally grown, and healthy

This list can go on for a very long time but you get the drift.

Now imagine trying to keep up with this demanding list everyday for the rest of your life.

Remembering trivial things takes a backseat in your mind because you simply don’t have the mental ability to keep up with it all.

Don’t feel bad about it though.

It’s lifes way of forcing you to forget about inconcequential things in order to focus on the more important things, like when to feed your baby.

Sure, you may forget to pick Joey up at soccer practice from time to time but it’s natural and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it too much.

Consider yourself a MOMBIE; a mom plus zombie. It’s all worth it when you get to cuddle up to this little person who has stripped you of your short term memory for the rest of your life.

About My First Born

I take advantage of my days alone with him.It’s probably not easy for him to have to fend for himself at times when I’m busy with Benny.

He doesn’t make a fuss but he’s the strong and silent type when it comes to showing his true feelings.

I know that he feels neglected at times when I am carrying Benny in my arms as he holds my hand.

Sometimes he refuses to move until I pick him up in my other arm, which leads to a fight, one hundred percent of the time.

He’s my first born and I look at him like he is such a big boy but in reality he’s still a baby at times and I need to remember that.

So on days like this I carry him if it pleases him.

It helps to remind the both of us that he will always be my baby. ♥️♥️♥️ 

A Mothers Tale

He’s in his pajamas at a restaurant.Let’s face it, I wish I was in my pajamas but I am driven by social acceptance at times.

He’s yet to understand social cues and niceties.

This works well for me on a morning like this.

A morning where I feel slightly defeated by my exhaustion.

A morning I wish would turn to night so I can watch Game of Thrones and go to sleep.

A morning where just ONE coffee won’t do.

Today won’t be an organized day.

I will most likely burn dinner and forget to return an important phone call.

On a morning like this I work extra hard on keeping a huge smile on my face so that my boys don’t feel an ounce of my personal defeat.

By tomorrow morning he’ll be dressed in fresh clothes as I sip on my one coffee.

That thought makes me feel okay about today.

It is the cloudy days that make me appreciate the sun. 

The Thing’s Nobody Ever Tells You About Having A Baby

I was recently chatting with two of my girlfriends about motherhood.
We had an in depth conversation about everything.
Two of us have kids and have experienced the nitty gritty of it all.
So we decided to share our experiences with my girlfriend that has yet to face any of these “fun” experiences.
That is when it became clear to me that there is a lot that is left unsaid about the delivery process, the after effects and the other side of motherhood.
Due to that I have decided to put together a list of things that all women should know about the delivery and postpartum of motherhood.

1. Contractions in the movies are one minute long and five minutes apart.
They come directly after your water breaks and the delivery process is as fluid as the water that just burst out of the woman.
My contractions were three minutes long and three minutes apart with Nate.
My water did NOT break but was BROKEN by the nurse once I was already eight centimeters dilated and in labour for eight hours.

2. The epidural isn’t scary at all as you are in so much pain from labor that you can’t even feel a fucking thing outside of the stabbing pressure pains in your uterus and vagina.

3. There is a huge possibility that you will be pushing out some poop with your baby.
It’s gross but it’s true.

4. Seeing your baby for the first time, outside of your body, is like an outer body experience.
All you hear is white noise and you feel like you just got stung with a stun gun.
It’s euphorically strange and not an experience the can be labelled as simplistically as “falling in love at first site”.

5. You get twenty-four hours at the hospital pending everything has gone well, the baby is healthy and you didn’t have a c-section.
You then walk out of the hospital, unless for some critical reason you are unable to walk.
None of this “getting rolled out with a bundle of balloons” business.

6. After a vaginal birth it hurts like HELL to pee.
I use the word hell as it burns in hell and that is precisely what it feels like to urinate.

7. Going number two is a nightmare.
Since you have recently pushed a watermelon out of your vagina, you become a bit anxious about pushing anything else out.
Not to mention that that particular area is so sore that it hurts A LOT to poo.
To add insult to injury you are extremely constipated which forces you to push when you are psychologically tormented about pushing.
This applies to the women that have had a c-section as well.

8. Remember watching all of those Preparation H commercials and thinking “that’ll NEVER be ME“.
Well you were WRONG!
Hemorrhoids are very common in pregnant women.
Some of us avoid them during pregnancy and they develop after labor.
They are embarrassing but worst of all they are so irritating.
For most women they go away, for some they are a constant reminder of that sweet bundle of joy that you carried for nine months.

9. Sneezing causes you to tinkle from time to time.
Buy a ton of panty liners and do your kegels!

10. Having sex for the first time after giving birth is one of the most terrifying things!
All you can think about is the labor, delivery, sore vagina, sore bum, sore breasts and that just turns you right off!
Don’t feel bad about it.
Have a super sized glass of wine and let your inhibitions go.
It can be very uncomfortable at first both mentally and physically.
Hey, losing your virginity wasn’t fun either but you obviously got over it, your baby is a living and breathing reminder of that fact.

The “Mom Bod”

Bikini season is on its way.
For the past few years I have been dreading the words “bikini season” as I haven’t been able to wear one since Nate was born.
I mean I can physically put one on but I am not comfortable doing that.
In reality I was never too comfortable in a bikini, I think my new found “Mom Bod” exasperated those feelings.
“Mom bod” you say.
Yes “Mom Bod”
I’m sure you have heard all about the “Dad Bod”.

What is the “Dad Bod” you ask?
Alex Abad-Santos describes the “Dad bod” as a male body type that is best described as “softly round.” It’s built upon the theory that once a man has found a mate and fathered a child, he doesn’t need to worry about maintaining a sculpted physique.

Now the “Mom Bod” is similar but different.
The “Mom Bod” is a body that was recreated and repurposed.
It’s a woman’s body with a twist.
The “Mom Bod” is one where the hips, thighs and butt become larger.
For some it is MUCH larger and for others it is discretely larger.
The breasts, whether breastfeeding or NOT, become hollow like a cave.
Most women with a “Mom Bod” have stretch marks in places that they never knew existed.
In some women they don’t.
The waist expands, even for those doing yoga and crossfit five times a week.
It is not something that we can fight, as Mother Nature trumps the desire to be superficial.

There is something supernatural about said “Mom Bod” as it is one that has housed life.
It is something that should be respected and honoured as it is the creator of our future.
The “Mom Bod” has become something that is feared as many women are afraid to embrace the beauty of it.
It is a natural state where women flourish and should feel a sense of serenity.
Let us stop hating on the “Mom Bod” and start embracing it in all of its forms, as it is the body that brings new life and light to this dingy place we call earth.