My favorite song for awhile now has been “Home” by the Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.
It is a true representation of how I feel about my boys.
Although we have a physical home that we share, I feel that as long as I am with them and wherever that may be, it always feels like home to me.
Here is the video which isn’t really a video but you get to hear this magnificently quirky song.
I recently had a text chat with a friend of mine who is currently expecting her first child.
She lives 3 hours out of the city, her family lives in the city, and so naturally I asked her if she is going to get some help for the first few days.
She mentioned that her mom will be coming for a couple of days.
A couple of days?!?
She said that people had already warned her that it won’t be enough time but then she said something that made a lot of sense.
She said that her and her mom have different ideas as to how to deal with a baby and she may be better off doing it on her own.
This brought up so many thoughts and emotions for me.
I’m already on baby number two and my mom has a heavy hand in helping me with the kids.
She cooks for them on occasion (anytime I ask for that matter), she takes them to her house for sleepovers and she’ll come with me to appointments with the two of them.
These are the things that allow me to have a social life, get my personal needs tended to and still get to date my husband.
As with all great things in life there is always a catch.
My mom comes from a very different place and time.
somewhat extremely neurotic.
She believes in coddling her kids/grandkids.
She believes that she knows best and I should do what she says.
Realistically, I can handle the first two aforementioned things.
I think it’s only natural for a babushka (Russian for grandma) to be neurotic and to be a coddler.
It’s that last point that causes some serious friction.
I know that my mom knows what she’s doing but I don’t necessarily agree with her approach all of the time.
For example, when Nate was learning to eat on his own I was very adamant to let him experiment with food.
I stayed clear of his tray and whatever he would eat would be good enough, especially considering that he was a very good eater.
My mom, on the other hand, would chase him around the room with a meal and feed it to him while he was busy playing or doing whatever a toddler does.
Now let me begin by saying that it is very difficult to tell someone that you want them to do things differently when they are more experienced and when they are so gosh darn helpful.
I would start off by mentioning my approach to eating while we would actually be eating together.
She would get offended but would agree.
I would reply with a sigh of relief at the fact that it didn’t have to be a battle.
Here comes the hurricane.
The next time she saw him she would point out that he seems to have lost weight and would ask me what I am feeding him.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that by default moms take a very passive aggressive approach with their daughters.
It is innate in them.
This uncontrollable urge to stay calm but angry all at once.
These comments would inevitably lead to a verbal war and we would avoid each other for a couple of days until she started missing Nate and came back.
NEVER apologizing, just returning as though nothing had happened.
So, to my good friend who is waiting on that little miracle to arrive and to all women who have moms that are going to be involved with your kids.
Just like in any relationship you need to remember to pick your battles.
Always know that you are here and doing well so your mom must have done something right.
Know that she loves you a lot but she probably loves your kids even more and will guard them with her life.
She means well and she truly wants the best for you and your baby cub.
At the end of the day, she is the original lioness and only means well.
So take a deep breath in and remember that it won’t be perfect but you are lucky to have a mamabear that wants to help you and be there every step of the way.
Historically speaking, my friends have essentially been family members to me. They have watched me grow up, break down, laugh hysterically and cry just as hysterically. They have been my partners in crime and my truest confidents.
As my life evolved, like the dinosaurs, some of those friends didn’t make it in my journey.
Marriage and definitely kids have a way of changing relationships that you think will last forever.
The friends that are still in my life are, for the most part, the ones that are involved in my children’s lives in one way or another.
They are the ones that came to see me when I was not so interesting to be around.
The ones that understood my absence and relished in my irregular appearances.
The ones that get it when I’m not being social.
They are also the ones that hold a massive part of my heart.
The ones that I will do anything for at the drop of a dime.
The ones that are always remembered for their compassion, involvement, love and efforts.
The ones that my kids call doda, tsautsia and auntie.
They are my truest sisters and for that I know that my family and I are blessed to have them.
Love you bitches! (You know who you are)
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a free spirit.
I was never the girl who had aspirations of being a wife and a mother.
Being a homemaker was completely out of the question as I was intent on
having a fast paced career that would allow me to travel frequently.
As it has been said before, life has a way of turning out in unexpected ways.
I met Adam through friends.
It was definitely not love at first sight.
We met, bowled, and went our separate ways.
Flash forward six months and our paths crossed again, without us having to
It was as if we lived parallel lives and had finally reached the intersection where
our paths met beautifully.
At that point I was more calm and so was he.
We had both gone through things that completely changed our perspective on life and we were now ready to meet.
Everything after that is like a beautiful blur.
He courted me.
Proposed to me, IN PARIS!
In a year we were married and a month shy of our one year wedding anniversary we were blessed with the birth of Nathaniel.
I took to motherhood like a fish to water, which was absolutely shocking to me.
The love that I have for this little man is irrational and intense, to say the least.
The thing is, I was the first one of my friends or family members to have a baby.
This was HARD on me.
I suffered of severe FOMO (fear of missing out)
So my FOMO mixed with the fact that I really had nobody to share my first time mama struggles made me rebel.
I started to depend heavily on Adam and my mom to watch Nate as I would go to every social event.
I would sleep in as my enablers would take care of Nate.
I didn’t miss a beat.
Bachelorettes, parties, pubs, cottages, you name it.
Then came a moment the truly blindsided me.
I got into a severe car accident.
I’ll save you the details but will tell you that it turned my life upside down.
At first I thought that I would be fine.
No broken limbs and a burn of some sort on my arm.
In the short days after the accident I was in severe pain and started noticing a change in my behaviour.
The things that I was comfortable with had become unbearable for me.
Driving has become a terrifying chore.
A walk through the mall is suffocating.
Being at home has become the most peaceful thing that I could do.
For awhile I fought the negative feelings and went about my life as though nothing had happened.
I pushed down the feelings of anxiety and kept moving forward.
My back would hurt but HEY there’s a birthday party that I HAVE to attend.
This was not a good idea as it made everything a lot worse and I am still dealing with the consequences.
When Nate was fourteen months old I had discovered that I was pregnant for a second time.
Initially I panicked because I was so overwhelmed with my life that I had no idea how I was going to introduce another human being into the mix.
In time I made peace with the fact that I will have another human being to take care of and slowly began to withdraw from the outside world.
I started seeing a therapist.
Sitting at home.
Taking time to myself and spending more time with my family.
Ben came into our lives and my heart had now grown substantially.
Nobody can ever explains how it feels to love your child let alone two children.
Nobody explains how your heart will stop with every cough, every sneeze and every fever.
Nobody explains how your priorities begin to shift whether you like it or not.
Today I spend very little time galavanting.
I dedicate my limited spare time to my truest and best friends.
I spend an enormous amount of time with my family.
I am taking time to heal from all of the traumatic experiences in my life (I failed to mention that I got rear ended with Ben in the car. Luckily he is doing great due to his car seat).
It took two kids and two serious car accidents for me to embrace being a wife, a mother and a responsibleish adult.
There is still so much for me to improve upon and so many challenges to overcome.
I am not perfect and will never be.
To tell you the truth, I am most concerned with getting as close to perfect as a spouse and parent as I can.
I’m going to go with the flow when it comes to other matters in my life.
How you spend your time is more important than how you spend your money. Money mistakes can be corrected, but time is gone forever.
~ David Norris
Marriage and kids shouldn’t be bandaids for a crummy relationship because they only complicate the injury.